---

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, and husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,

"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."

Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"

Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"

Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, and then he calls ahead to his wife...

"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

 

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS:

1.  Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
   "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all dem 
kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
   "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
   "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
    Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
   "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
   "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like 
Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the   University of Pittsburgh :
   "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
   (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
   "You guys line up alphabetically by height."
    And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a 
circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
   "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for 
three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a 
color photo of himself above his locker:
   "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my 
clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of 
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
     "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of 
what time it is."

11.   Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to 
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
     "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an 
uncle or an aunt.   (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
     "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
        He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
     "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
     "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston    Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob 
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
     Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Thanks to Kathy "Cookie" Koziuk Hannaman for
submitting the following...

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL, 

MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!

 

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Who says senior citizens don't wear stylish clothes. Hah!!

 

 

 

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

Editor Note...Thanks Kathy...

-----------------------------------------------

 

After the 83 year-old finished her annual physical exam, the doctor said, "You're in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory. But, tell me, do you still have intercourse???

"Just a minute," she said. "I'll have to ask my husband!"

She stepped out into the very crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a complete hush in the room. You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered Impatiently, "If I told you once, I've told you a hundred times, we have Blue Cross!"

. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law -   If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the   Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.  The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.   Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..  But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.