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Humor

One day, an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
Whew," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic
Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are
required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military)
a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian
airspace.
The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.

Iranian Air Defense Radar:  'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft:  'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar:  'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft:  'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'

Air Defense Radar:  (total silence)

WARMS ONES HEART..........

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

Man driving down road.   
Woman driving up same road.   
They pass each other.   
Woman yells out window, PIG!   
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.   
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.   

Thought For the Day: 
If men would just listen!

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha' gonna to do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd Cry.  I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I drop a capsule in my drink and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing?

But enough about me!

How's Your Day Going???

AT THE DOCTORS

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.  Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.  As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler..... I gave her my name. and In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a very embarrassed man.  But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!