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Humor

 

 


S e p t e m b e r     2 0 2 2
H u m o r     P a g e

 

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

Twenty pounds she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decided what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.  So, they hid in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them.  It’s a Police Officer.

“Allo, Allo, Allo, what’s going on here, people?” asks the cop.

“Ta be shure, I’m making love to me missus”, Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop; “I didn’t know.”

“Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!”

 

The Audit

The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,

“I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?”, he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi.

“We save them up.  When we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question had a practical answer.

So, he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way.

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly.

“We collect up the crumbs and we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on.

“What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.

What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we send them to the IRS.”

“To the IRS?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “We send them directly to the IRS, and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

 

Einstein was once traveling from  Princeton  on a train.
The conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.
When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached into his vest pocket.
He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn't there.
He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it.
Then he looked in the seat beside him.
He still couldn't find it.
"The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are.
We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket.  Don't worry about it.'
Einstein nodded appreciatively.
The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets.
As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry.
I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket.  I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said,
"Young man, I too, know who I am.”
“What I don't know is where I'm going.”


Good Night Kiss
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall, and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad?  My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on!  Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!  There's nobody around; they're all sleeping!"
"No way.  It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please.  I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes, you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't."
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the front porch light goes on. 
The girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it...
Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming.
He was scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. 
She went back to find out what was going on. 
He was quite embarrassed.
He whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
When you get there, call your mother, and ask her what you should do about it.
He called his mom, then returned to his class. 
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST  
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.
So forget about the anesthetic. 
I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town.
It's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself,
"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man.
He’s asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"