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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?

‘She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.

'Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours.

You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.  I fart 35 times a day...

 

 

 

The BEST Little Johnny joke I have ever heard!

 

The kids filed into class Monday morning.
They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off.
"I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit, and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next.  "I sold magazines" she said.
"I made $45, and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box

full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny.

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, “It is dog poop.

Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room.

A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk entered.

She had a variety of tattoos and was wearing strange clothing.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis.

She was scheduled for immediate surgery.

She was now completely disrobed on the operating table.

The staff noticed that her “pubic hair” had been dyed green.

Above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry had to mow the lawn.'

 

 

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning.

While checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.  John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.

“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night.  Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie.

Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!  She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’

So, boys, here I am!”

 

 

 

John, who lived in the north of England , decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible   downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do." said Shawn.

 "Did you, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red, and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?