Hixnews
Humor

 

 


 

N o v e m b e r      2 0 2 1
H u m o r      P a g e

 

A woman passed her daughterís room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "why??"

The daughter replied: "Mom, Iím thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as Iíll ever get to a husband. So, please, leave me alone."
Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.

To his query, the daughter again said: "Dad Iím thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as Iíll ever get to a husband.  Please, leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room. On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: "What the heck are you doing?"

The husband replied:  "I'm here watching some football with my son-in-law."

 

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'  

'No, not yet' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

This is a story that is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

This one is dedicated to everyone who ever taught school, parented children, or served their country.

A former sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a schoolteacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

These punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former

Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

...Dead silence...He had no trouble with discipline that year.

SEMPER FI!!

 

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and... (Moving forward)

After their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT my dear?

His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

 

True Story or Fake News...???

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Brooklyn were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondeís exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

 

Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.

Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Loweís to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.  (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)