While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
said her husband.
She gave him a
sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
He took the
crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and
before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull
in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know
what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold
says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a
‘Well, I can
oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood
and proceeds to hold it.
agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit
and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night
Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred
decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around
the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with
Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
yelled, 'You are a two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled
happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
A lady decided to give herself a
big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight at an expensive
When she checked
out the next morning, the clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and
demanded to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her
that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on
speaking to the manager.
appeared and informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic sized
swimming pool and a huge conference center that are available for your
"But I didn't
use them," she said.
are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to
explain she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which
the hotel is famous.
"We have the
best entertainers from the world over performing here," the
"But I didn't
go to any of those shows," she said.
have them and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what the
amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't
use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
minutes of discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay,
wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The manager was
surprised when he looked at the check.
this check is for only $50.00."
correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she
didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
bad. I was here and you could have."
lawyer boarded an airplane in
She took the box and promised to put it
in the crew's refrigerator.
Shortly before landing in
"Would the lawyer who gave me the
Not one hand went up... so she took
them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes can
be vindictive when they have the Crabs.
An elderly couple was on a cruise,
and it was really stormy.
They were standing
on the stern of the boat watching the moon rising into the nighttime
warning a wave swept upon the deck.
The little old
woman was caught in the wash and was swept overboard.
disappeared beneath the waves.
They searched for
days but couldn't find her.
The captain sent
the old man back to shore.
He promised that
he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went
by and finally the old man got a fax from the Captain.
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
of the ocean.
We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was a single oyster.
Inside the oyster
was a pearl worth $50,000...
The old man faxed
pearl....re-bait the trap"