Hixnews
Humor

 

 


S e p t e m b e r     2 0 2 1
H u m o r    P a g e

 

 

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse.
She then slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt.
She then, very seductively, reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said, "No!," desperately trying to contain his excitement.
She said, "Check the garage."




Every night after dinner, Harold, age 89, goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

‘Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You are a two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

 

 

 

 

 

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight at an expensive hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic sized swimming pool and a huge conference center that are available for your use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what the amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes of discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

 

 

 

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in Edmonton , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand.

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1      Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.     Blondes can be vindictive when they have the Crabs.


 

 

An elderly couple was on a cruise, and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the stern of the boat watching the moon rising into the nighttime sky.

Suddenly, without warning a wave swept upon the deck.

The little old woman was caught in the wash and was swept overboard.

She mysteriously disappeared beneath the waves.

They searched for days but couldn't find her.

The captain sent the old man back to shore.

He promised that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the Captain.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.

We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was a single oyster.

Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000...

Please advise"

The old man faxed back:

"Send the pearl....re-bait the trap"