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Humor

 

 


 

 

 

 

H u m o r      P a g e
F e b r u a r y      2 0 2 1

 

 


Things Found Only in  America

Only in  America

can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

…do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

…do banks leave both doors to the vault open, then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Ever Wonder Why

…the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

…a woman cannot put on mascara with her mouth closed?

…doctors call what they do 'practice'?

…the man who invests all your money called a broker?

…the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

…isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

…Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

…they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

…don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Priceless!

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go."

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A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." 
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
His sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365.

'Shall We Gather at the River?'" 

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Punographics

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person

can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived the bastards."

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When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, “Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!” After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker.

“Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!”

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”
One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.