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Humor

 

 


 

 

 

H u m o r      P a g e 
J a n u a r y       2 0 2 1

 

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies, " Yes I do " and hands the other a “10 inch long” BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks, "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies, " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish?
"Sure says the other man.
"Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears.
The man asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks”.
The genie says OK.
He goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.
And the guy says to the other.
“Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn’t He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a “10 inch long” BIC"

 

 

A blonde buys a fishing rod for her birthday.
She decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together.
She headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:
“There are no fish in there”.
So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole.
The same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
She decides to move again.
The voice tells her there are no fish in there.
Frustrated, she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
The man coolly says,

“Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

 

 

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river.

Each was holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says,
“Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines .
We’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines.
Sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden.
“Take all the debris you want.”
And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

 

The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress.
The country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased.
He mentioned what an honest man he was.
He said what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."

 

 

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived at his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt.
She asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no.
He explained that he was going to go fishing.
His dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed.
She asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied,
"Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."


Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat.
As he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says,
"Thanks for freeing me.
I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says,
"Well, we are almost out of beer.
How about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".
*POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says,
"What the hell did you do that for.
Now we have to piss in the boat!!"

 

 

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
“Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,
“How’d you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 

 

The man approached the incredibly beautiful woman in the large supermarket.
He said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why” she asked.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

 

 

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary.
She says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’



An old Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier.

He decides to take up golf.

So, he puts his name down to become a member at the local club.

After a week he receives a message.

His application has been turned down.
He goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you must be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students.

The reason was to point out some of the school’s rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students.

The male dormitory is prohibited to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired,
"How much for a season pass?"

 

 

A guy underwent a very delicate surgery

His doctor visited him while he was in the recovery area.

She was a good looking blonde.

This meeting was to discuss the next steps in his recovery.

Patient: “What are the chances of my recovering, doctor?”

Doctor: “One hundred percent.”

Patient: “How can you be so sure?”

Doctor: “Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated, and all the others died.”