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S e p t e m b e r      2 0 2 0
H u m o r     P a g e


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.
When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.' So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he gets scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
The little boy opened his hands and with tears in his eyes said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."


Dialog between a man and a woman...
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didnít drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a compound interest savings account and after accounting for the compounded interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your airplane?

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order', make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law." Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul, the banker, says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. He begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to get tired.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston , West Virginia , and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant at a Soothing Approach Gynecology Center . Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails helping ladies get ready for the gynecologist in a soothing and relaxing manner. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte , North Carolina . That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."