IS A WONDERFUL THING
was lying in bed one night.
was falling asleep, but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were
he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
are you going?" Betty asked…
get my teeth!"
AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone
who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards.
day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends
for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is."
friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.
she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
" Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on I-25.
said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down
the halls in a nursing home.
she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."
sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just
went on through.
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another
major junction and the light was red again.
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
the next junction, sure enough, the light was red, and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Friends tell me this won't happen to us!!!!
HOPE IN HEAVEN
those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your
Grandparents. And thanks for the memories…I
HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
still chase women, but only downhill'.
the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs
know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the
don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap.'
GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you
have an eight-pound ham.
RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character
to fight it.'
HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on
HIS SIX BROTHERS
how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
HIS EARLY FAILURES
would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff
the audience threw at me.'
GOING TO HEAVEN
done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter
on a technicality.'
Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
Parents taught me RELIGION.
better pray that will come out of the carpet."
Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
Parents taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why."
Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
Parents taught me IRONY.
crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
your mouth and eat your supper."
Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
Parents taught me about STAMINA.
sit there until all that spinach is gone. (LIVER)"
My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
acting like your father!"
Parents taught me about ENVY.
are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
wait until we get home."
Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
are going to get it when you get home!"
Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
Parents taught me ESP.
your sweater on; don't you think I know when you’re
Parents taught me HUMOR.
that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
Parents taught me GENETICS.
just like your father."
Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
Parents taught me WISDOM.
you get to be my age, you'll understand."
Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
Why are you late?
Class started before I got here.
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
You told me to do it without using tables.
Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
No, that's wrong
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Love this child)
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
H I J K L M N O.
What are you talking about?
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
No, Millie .... Always say, 'I am.'
All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
Because George still had the axe in his hand....
Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
No, sir. It's the same dog.
want to adopt this kid!!!)
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
The next year, I didn't buy her a
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used
the gift I bought you last
My wife and I were watching Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you
want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your
She didn't even look at me this
time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to
phone a friend."
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak,
He said, "Aren't you worried
about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
My wife and I were sitting at a
table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken
man swigging his drink as he sat
alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear he hasn't
been sober since."
"Wow!" I said, "Who
would think a person could go on
celebrating that long!!!
When our lawn mower broke and
wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had
something else to take care of
first, the shop, the boat,
making wine. Always something more
important to me. Finally, she
thought of a clever way to make
When I arrived home one day, I
found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I
came out again, I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I
was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on
I said, "Dust.”
Saturday morning I got up early,
quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the
garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I
pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would
be bad all day.
I went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my
wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is
My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in
My wife was hinting about what she
wanted for our upcoming
She said, "I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
After retiring, I went to the
Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked
me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your
So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social
When I got home, I excitedly told
my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten
My wife was standing nude, looking
in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she
saw and said to me, "I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me
I replied, "Your eyesight's
darn near perfect."
I rear-ended a car this
morning...the start of a REALLY
The driver got out of the other
car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE
priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician, and a
member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation
and to give a little speech at the dinner.
he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words
while they waited:
got my first impression of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place. The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on,
I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make
the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first
day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In
fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for
: Never, Never, Never Be Late
day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska
sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife", said one of the troopers.
me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
troopers looked at each other.
said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs
clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the
Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's
the great news?"
trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again
works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week
bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's
pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a
local strip club.
doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."
they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How
did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I
always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around
Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi
Vern; want your usual table dance, big boy?"
wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
follows and spots her getting into a cab.
she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4-letter word in the book.
cabby turns around and says
Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
Grizzly Attack With .25 Cal
This is a story
of self control and
marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a
small pistol against a
fierce predator. What is the
smallest caliber you trust
to protect yourself? The
Here is her
While out hiking
in Alberta Canada with my
boyfriend we were surprised
by a huge grizzly bear
charging at us from out of
nowhere. She must have
been protecting her cubs
because she was extremely
aggressive. If I had not had
my little Beretta Jetfire
with me I would not be here
Just one shot to
my boyfriend's knee cap was
all it took. The bear got
him easily, and I was able
to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the
best pistols in my