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Humor

 

 


 

 

Honk For Grandma…LOL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks Kathy Koziuk Hannaman class of 1960 for this funny tale…

 

How was I born ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

 

 

That’s not what Daddy told me!  

 

Daddy, how was I born?  

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

It was too late to hit the delete button.

Nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:  


     

       ‘You got Male’

 

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                Redneck RV

 

 New TV Too Big For The Old Cabinet

 

       Bald Spot Duck Tape Repair

 

 Did You Lose Your Bottle Opener???

 

           No Ice Chest You Said

 

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According to a news report, a certain private school in  Washington   recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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Thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following…

We need more Marines in the classroom!




A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

 

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

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One For The Guys

from Kathy McDonald Corey 1960

 

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

 

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Jewish Grandmother

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. 
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in  apartment  301  . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" 
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ...

"What.. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" 
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Wise Italian Grandfather 

An old Italian man in  Brooklyn  is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me. " 
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" 
"You lissina me, boy!
Somma day you gonna be runna da business.
You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " 
"Somma day you gonna come-a home.
Maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

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Irish blonde

An attractive blonde from  Cork  ,  Ireland  , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. 
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. 
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." 

MORAL OF THE STORY 

Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men!

 

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“4 Worms In Church”   
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!   

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.. 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: 

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead . 


The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead . 


Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead. 

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive 
 
So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?" 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . 
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 

That pretty much ended the service! 

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. 

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend ...  Just as I've done. 

                                    

 

"Hang in there sunshine, you're special!" 

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SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.

SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES.
A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON.
He had A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND ASKED,
"OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,

"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED.

He SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW."
He STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR didn”t WANT TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF. She STARTED HOPPING AROUND.
EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
 WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO.
HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.
THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN. He was staring, too, at THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN GUN bARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MA'M...BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 [- Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid…]

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I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?