H  u  m  o  r      P  a  g  e      M  a  r  c  h      2  0  2  0




You may not know, but many inanimate objects have a gender...
Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't
have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says confused “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife.”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this.
Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes.
She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.
She said, “because it’s soooo much cheaper.”
“So I figured, if I can roll my own, so can she.”

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
 "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
 "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A Chinese saw Steven Spielberg in hotel Ambassador.
He was a fan of Steven, he asked for his autograph.
Instead, Steven gave a slap and said, “you bombed our Pearl Harbor .”
Heart broken, the Chinese said, “it was the Japanese, not us.”
Steven said, “Japanese, Chinese, Bhutanese, you’re all the same.”
Angry, the Chinese slapped Steven and said,
“You sank the Titanic;  my fore-fathers were in the ship.”
Surprised, Steven replied, “It was not me, it was the iceberg.”
The Chinese said, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”

This kid was too young to take showers by himself.
One day he took a shower with mommy.
The boy looked up and asked, “Mommy what’s that?”
She said, “Umm…umm…that’s a garden that every woman has.”
The next day he took a shower with daddy.
He looked up and asked, “Daddy what’s that?”
Daddy said, “Umm it’s a snake that every man has.”
When the little boy was ready to go to sleep he wanted to say good night to his parents.
He walked to their room, he turned on the lights and screamed
“Mommy mommy there’s a snake in your garden.”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband
#1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
#2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
#3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
#4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
#5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
#6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
#7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
#8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
#9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
#10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Mom was very upset.
She was picking up the laundry in her son’s room.
She saw something sticking out from under his bed.
Curious, she bent down and picked it up.
It was a bondage S&M magazine.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"
"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

A man went to his primary doctor for an annual visit.
After the check-up, doc revealed something to the man.
Masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes, too.
Your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing.
Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says,
"I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again.
Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says,
"I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress,
"that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell.
He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.
Superman thinks, "This is my chance!"
He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class.
I want you to go home, experiment, and come back tomorrow.
Let me know as many positions as you can think of for having sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back,
"Well, Johnny, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, Johnny, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says,
"All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one.”
“That’s where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."