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F e b r u a r y     2 0 2 0      H u m o r     P a g e

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer and lost control.
I landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road.
Just then a shiny new convertible pulled up.
The driver was a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, ďGet in and Iíll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.Ē
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, Iím a nurse," she insisted.
"I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away.
After a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her.
I mentioned that I felt a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
I think I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while.
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all of the kids are doing it.
" Bobby is shocked.
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw.
She'll screw all night if we let her.
" Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house.
She slams the door behind her, and screams at her father,
"Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street.
They come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees.
He asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, he walks downstairs with his son.
They sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby.
" His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe itís wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

An elderly actor hasn't gotten a job in years.
He lost his ability to remember lines.
After looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him,
"You have the most important part, but you only have one line.
You walk onto stage with a rose in your hand.
Bring it close to your nose.
Then with your thumb, index, and middle fingers, and sniff it deeply.
Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"
When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says,
"Oh, the smell of my lover."
With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.
The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"
The director replies, "No! You forgot the rose."


This is the story of how earrings became so popular for menÖ

John looked over at his coworker Tom.
He noticed that he had an earring on one of his ears.
Tom was usually a pretty conservative guy so John is curious.
He approached Tom and asked him, "If you don't mind me asking, what's with the earring?"
Tom replied, "Don't worry about it, it's just an earring."
John dismissed the answer and let it go for a few minutes.
Then his curiosity peaked again,
"So how long have you been wearing and earring?"
Tom replied, "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

The new priest was nervous about hearing confessions.
He asks an older experienced priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions.
The old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'", the old priest asks?
The new priest practices, saying these phrases.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"