Hixnews
Humor

 

 


D e c e m b e r      2 0 1 9      H u m o r      P a g e

 

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.
He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.
He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents’ house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.
After a long 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table and has his way with her.  Still no one speaks.
By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father stands up, eyes wide and says, “Okay, I’ll do the damn dishes!”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck.
After several moments he gets off the girl and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!”
“He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.”
“I saw how he kissed your neck.”
“If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.”
“Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.”
“This guy is probably very dangerous.”
“If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.”
“Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up...
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

 

At Penn State University , four sophomores were taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday. They didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final was over, they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They would say that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy...
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!  

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips!
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the separated chips are taken to the casinos of origin to be cashed. This is done by CHIP MONKS!
You didn’t even see it coming, Did You???

 

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem...

One of the deputies asks if he is married and, if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says sure and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The husband says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Who says senior citizens don't wear stylish clothes. Hah!!

 



After the 83 year-old finished her annual physical exam, the doctor said, "You're in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory. But, tell me, do you still have intercourse??? "Just a minute," she said. "I'll have to ask my husband!"
She stepped out into the very crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Henry, do we still have intercourse?”
There was a complete hush in the room. You could hear a pin drop.
Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I've told you a hundred times, we have Blue Cross!"

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
-
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
-
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law
-
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
-
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
-
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
-
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
-
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
-
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
-
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

  Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
-
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him 'MIDNIGHT'.. he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."