guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about
an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike
free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and
everything will be fine.
He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.
He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time,
he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents’
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family
tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for
the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the
After a long 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things
up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her
family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her
on the table and has his way with her. Still no one
By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
The father stands up, eyes wide and says, “Okay, I’ll do the
A man escapes from prison where
he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her
After several moments he gets off the girl and goes into the
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his
“He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a
woman in years.”
“I saw how he kissed your neck.”
“If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he
“Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.”
“This guy is probably very dangerous.”
“If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.”
“Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He
told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we
had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey. I love you too!"
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the
crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming
in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window
and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up...
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where
the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off
the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I
noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on
the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
, four sophomores were taking chemistry and all of them had an
'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the
weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and
have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the
hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday. They didn't make it
until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the
final was over, they would explain to their professor why they
missed it. They would say that they visited friends but on the
way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for
The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms and
gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first
problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate
rooms, thinking this was going to be easy...
Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
TRULY DID NOT KNOW
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips!
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give
casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches
devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their chips to a nearby Franciscan
Monastery for sorting and then the separated chips are taken to
the casinos of origin to be cashed. This is done by CHIP
You didn’t even see it coming, Did You???
This guy is
sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there
is a problem...
One of the
deputies asks if he is married and, if so, can he see a
picture of his wife.
The guy says sure and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like
your wife's been hit by a truck."
The husband says, "I know, but she has a great
personality and is an excellent cook."
says senior citizens don't wear stylish clothes. Hah!!
the 83 year-old finished her annual physical exam, the doctor said,
"You're in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory. But, tell me,
do you still have intercourse??? "Just
a minute," she said. "I'll have to ask my husband!"
She stepped out into the very crowded reception room and yelled
out loud, "Henry, do we still have intercourse?”
There was a complete hush in the room. You
could hear a pin drop.
Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I've told you a
hundred times, we have Blue Cross!"
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll
have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never
get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the
one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
(works every time).
Law of the
- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone
you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the
people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for
food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats
come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and
stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until
the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't
know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit,
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no
's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you
find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to
go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But
don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the
'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him 'MIDNIGHT'.. he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew,
I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."