Jenny walked into the kitchen one day
and looked up at her mother,
who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what
her age is.”“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much
do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they
weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something
that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about
it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation
with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you
have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has
all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got
home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That
evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how
old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you
weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did
you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued,
“And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just
gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an F in sex!”
A blonde decides to
try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons,
nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane,
but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The
horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of
the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart
greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
office realized that
the organization had never received a donation from the town’s
most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like
to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,”
the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her
penniless with three children?!”
rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of
a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table, was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies.
Little Johnny had written a note, “Take all you want. God is
watching the apples.”
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts
and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few
skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained
to the butcher in a rather mean and arrogant manner.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and
have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice came booming
over the speaker system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger
breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
An old man went to the doctor. He said,
“Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I
are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we
The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said,
“Can I ask you how old you are, sir?”
“I’m 87.”, said the old man.
“87!”, exclaimed the doctor, “How old is your wife?”
“She’s 92.”, was the reply.
The doctor was astonished by this, and said, “So let me make
sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is
92 and you are worried that you don’t get as much pleasure
from sex as you used to?”
“That is correct.” said the old man, “What can you do to
“Well,” said the doctor, “when did you first notice this
The old man looked thoughtful, “I noticed it first last night,
but then twice this morning.”
woman stops by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the
aroma of perfume fills the room.
“What are you doing?!” she asks.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the
daughter-in- law explains.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaims.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”
The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts
on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and
lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally,
her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“This is my love dress,” she whispers sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for dinner?
teacher decided that in science class,
she would teach her students about different materials.
Standing at the front of the class, she asked, “Children, if
you were able to have one raw material in all the world, what
would it be?”
Raising his hand, little Timmy said, “I would choose gold.
It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Porsche.”
Next, little Allie raised her hand
and said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more
than gold and I could by a Corvette.”
“Very good, both of you,” said the teacher. “Johnny, what
would you want?”
Little Johnny stood up and said, “Oh, I would want
“Why would you want silicone, Johnny?” asked the teacher.
“My mom has two bags of it and you wouldn’t believe all the
sports cars outside our house!” he replied.
A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew the
gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached
by his doctor.
“Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local
to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and
we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot
damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it.
I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied.
“Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute
player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach
you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your