Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture and brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and
says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I
want a divorce.”
husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and
he’s a better lover than you.”
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands on the wheels
says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and
now is doing 70 mph.
says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you
husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
asks, “What’s that?”
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90
mph…”I’ve got the airbag!”
Presbyterian church called a meeting
to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.
After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the
squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will.
the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a
water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and
unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week.
Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their
squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two
weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down
the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy!
They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the
church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the
first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any
squirrel since.... Ouch!!
lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
some good news and, I have some bad news.”
tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the
good news first.”
lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures
this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3
tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news
indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked
into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
"Who Owns the Big white horse outside?"
Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just
thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver
was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the
horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want
you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a
breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Quimosabe" and took off running
circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned
to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The
Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong
with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
manager of a failing branch of one company
has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost.
As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is
realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary
He spends hours looking back at the last five years these
two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same
month, have identical education and work experience. They
are also both crucial to his team.
It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides
that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he
will have to fire the first one he sees at the water
cooler the next morning.
He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless
night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags
under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for
the water cooler.
He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with
water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to
lay you or Jack off.”
Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes
a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have
to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.”
My aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so
badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
An elderly lady was invited to an old
friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every
request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they
were still very much in love.
the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over
to her hostess to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after
all these years, you still call your husband all those loving
The hostess hung
her head, “I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘his
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to
death to ask the cranky old jerk what it is?”
The elderly priest, speaking to the
younger priest, said,
“You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush
bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the
church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And
you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring
young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that Rock’n’Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are
consistently packed to the balcony with youths.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am
pleased that you are open to the new youthful ideas.”
“All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly
priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the
“But Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions
and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that,
but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot’n’Tell or Go to Hell’
cannot stay on the roof of the church.”
A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher
and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women
go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave
their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the Sex,
Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
I am a twenty-three year old
liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I
don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I've suspected that my husband has
been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking
Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn
against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the
world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
My forty year old son has been
paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half
years. He must be crazy.
My mother is mean and short
tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband
lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
I have a man I can't trust. He
cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
people can vote...