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Humor

 

 


S e p t e m b e r      2 0 1 9      H u m o r      P a g e

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and   announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture and brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.


 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…”I’ve got the airbag!”

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy!  They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.  Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.  They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen any squirrel since.... Ouch!!

 

 

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Quimosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"


 

A manager of a failing branch of one company has to lay off one of his top paid employees to cut cost.
As he is analyzing the recent annual reviews, he is realizing that it comes down to his two favorites, Mary and Jack.
He spends hours looking back at the last five years these two have worked on his team. Both were hired the same month, have identical education and work experience. They are also both crucial to his team.
It’s an incredibly tough decision to make and he decides that, if he can’t make it by the time he goes to bed, he will have to fire the first one he sees at the water cooler the next morning.
He is at the office bright and early, after a sleepless night, when he sees Mary walk into the office with bags under her eyes, hair in disarray and heading straight for the water cooler.
He meets her there and while she is filling her cup with water, he says sadly: “I have really bad news, I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Mary, looking at him through the slits in her eyes, takes a big gulp of water and says: “I am afraid you will have to jack off. I have a terrible hangover.”


My aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast’.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The hostess hung her head, “I have to tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old jerk what it is?”


The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock’n’Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony with youths.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new youthful ideas.”
“All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.”
“But Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot’n’Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the roof of the church.”

 

 

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

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