Fresh out of business school,
a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he
was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a
small business that he had started himself.
need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said.
“But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying
me?” the accountant said.
worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I
don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will
be to take all the money worries off my back.”
see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job
start you at eighty thousand”
thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
the owner said, “is your first worry.”
A guy walks into a bar with
his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey
jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the
bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and
swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the
cue ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again.
He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around
the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?” he asks.
replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but
ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes
dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they
were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in
a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly
upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man,
I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised
the $55,000 asking price," said the older man.
"Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to
that lady over there. You even insisted that there
was no way you could discount this car."
The salesman took a
deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a
large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She
had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help,
and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?"
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly
then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave
the car keys to the old man. "There you go
Dad," she said. "I told you I could get that
idiot to lower the price!
A husband went to the sheriff’s department
to report that his
wife was missing
My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has
not come home.
What is her height?
Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Color of eyes?
Color of hair?
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
What was she wearing?
Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember
What kind of car did she go in?
She went in my truck.
What kind of truck was it?
Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0
L, V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It
has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom
leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering
package with gold hitch, DVD with navigation, 21-channel
CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road
Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s
door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck
woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for
is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to
her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains
are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out
a dainty fart.
wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof..
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s
father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under
the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
woman thought, ‘This is great!’ and a big smile came
across her face.
couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the
time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder
and longer rrrrrip.
father again looked at the dog and yelled, ‘Skippy!’
again the woman smiled and thought ‘Yes!’ A few
minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This
time she didn’t even think about it.
let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and
yelled, ‘Skippy! Get away from her, before she
craps on you!’
few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you
sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause
this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re
going down the tracks.”
mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
to use nice language.”
hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are
disembarking from the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little
boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the bitch in the kitchen.”
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try
to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but
I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car
buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed
a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole