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Humor

 

 

H u m o r      P a g e      F o r      A u g u s t      2 0 1 9

 

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.

“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”

“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.


A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to that lady over there.  You even insisted that there was no way you could discount this car."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you?  She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price!


A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0 L, V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck

 

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof..

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, ‘Skippy!’.

The woman thought, ‘This is great!’ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, ‘Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought ‘Yes!’ A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.  This time she didn’t even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ‘Skippy!  Get away from her, before she craps on you!’


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”


“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

 

 

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.
The counselor asks, "What's the problem?
The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down.

"Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.

How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing, keeping your mouth shut is the trick."  

 

 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand.  He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"

Jane and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes.  That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
"Just take two," Jane replied.  "The rest are for your father."


One night, an 87-year-old woman
came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old
husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing
him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defense.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, He
could fly."


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa
. . . "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However,
there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten,
or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"  Bob
replied, "Girlfriend?  She's my wife!"  They're knocked over, but continue
to ask:  "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"  "I lied about my age,"
Bob replied.  "What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"