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Humor

 

 


2 0 1 9     J u l y     H u m o r     P a g e

 

After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself.
Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”


A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!” He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.” Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out of my window each time I tell you what color I’d like a room?”

The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street.”

 


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome .  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.  So the Pope made a deal.  He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay.  If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.  The Jews realized that they had no choice.  They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.  It was too risky.  So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent them, who spent his life sweeping up after people.  Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.  He asked only for one addition to the debate.  Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.  The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.  Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.  Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.  The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.  Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.  The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.  Moishe pulled out an apple.  The Pope then stood up and said, "I give up.  This man is too good.  The Jews can stay." An hour later, the Cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.  The Pope said: "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity and he responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.  Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us and he responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I next pulled out the wine and the wafer to show him that God absolves us from our sins and he pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.  He had an answer for everything.  What could I do?"Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe; amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!  "What happened?" they asked.  "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here and I told him that not one of us was leaving.  Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews and I let him know that we were staying right here."  "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe.  "He took out his lunch and I took out mine.

 

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine . On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

            Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?

Many years ago in the town of Jerusalem , there lived a very nice Jewish man named Sam, with his wife and children.  Times were hard, and this gentleman had to work very long hours at his job.  He would often stay up half the night designing and making clothes.  His dream was to someday have a shop of his own where he could outfit everyone.

One evening, as he sat sewing by lamp light, he heard a commotion outside.  When he went to look, he saw all his neighbors going to an area of raised field, so he tagged along.  There was an enormous crowd, and up on the hill he saw a tall bearded man preaching.  He was intrigued by this man, a very eloquent speaker, and the crowd was so quiet.  But, thought Sam, this man looked dusty, dirty, poorly dressed and tired.  So after the sermon Sam managed to go speak to this man.  Sam told him he was a great speaker, really holding the people's attention, but that clothes really do help and that if he were dressed better he would make a much better impression.  Then Sam had a great idea.  He offered to make the man, (whose name he found out was Jesus) a new outfit for free if, when Jesus went out on another speaking tour, he would just happen to drop into his speech from where he got his clothes.

Jesus thought this over, saying that it was true his appearance did need improving.  After all, traveling the way he did was hard on his clothing and he just hadn’t the time or the money to get new outfits.  And so it was agreed.  Jesus was to be gone on the road for another two weeks, so Sam spent nearly every night designing, cutting out, and sewing a beautiful robe.

When Jesus was back in town, Sam took him the new outfit.  Jesus promised to tell folks from where his new outfit had come.  Over the next several months, people began coming to Sam's house, asking for new clothes because they had seen and admired what the man Jesus was wearing. With orders for several complete wardrobes, Sam was able to quit his day laborer job, and with the help of his wife, he set up a little business.

A month later, Jesus was back in town and he came to Sam's house.  Sam thanked him profusely and said he thought they should be partners, open up a real shop, not just in his house.  He said he would put a sign up, and asked Jesus what did he thought of "Sam and Jesus Clothing"?

Jesus thought a minute, then said, “I think the sign should read Lord and Tailor”.

 

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip, or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago .

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!
ť

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!  But my friends call me Bubba!"

 

 

  

Another oldie...

 

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day Yossel came home from work very early.  His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.  She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.” 

 


Qualifications To Be President

 

In a Purdue University classroom recently, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .  

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35  years of age. 

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement was to be a natural born citizen.

In  short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" 

These are the same kinds of 18-year-old's that are now voting in our elections!  They breed, and they walk among us…    Lord — we need more help  than we thought we did!  Amen!!

 


Jewish humor

Netanyahu is a very smart and very shrewd man.
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. 
“Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.” 
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me," he asked?
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.” 
Everyone agreed it was a good idea so the call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,”said Nicklaus.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.” 
“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.
“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

 

 

Widow and widower at the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach in Boca Raton. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.  "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live down in Pompano ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When she finally caught her breath, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

The Redhead


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."