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Humor

 

 


H u m o r     P a g e     J u n e     2 0 1 9

A young woman, during tough times, was working as a prostitute. For obvious reasons, she kept this a secret from her family. One day, the police raided her brothel and arrested a group of working girls, including the young woman.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but the woman’s little old Grandma! The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, the Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?”

Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young lady said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” and she made her way to the back of the queue. An officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to the old dear at the end, he was bewildered.

“But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and open wide.”

 

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”

1st nun: “Adam and Eve.”

The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Peter: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?”

2nd nun: “An apple.”

The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Peter: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

Seemingly stumped, after a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!”

The lights flashed, the bells rang……….

A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus.

Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn’t sound so good to them, an environment with animals that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents.

So the couple produces photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise – all that a child requires.”

Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What ages were you looking to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon.”

 

A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate on a news channel over a doctor’s sex scandal.

Wife: Why is everyone getting so mad? Doctors are humans too. Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having sexual relationship with patients. Come on, everyone does this.

Husband: He is a veterinarian.

 

A teacher asks little Johnny:

“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”

“A woman like the moon!” Answers Johnny.

“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”

“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”

 

Teacher: “Mary, what does the chicken give you?”

Mary: “Eggs!”

Teacher: “Very good! Now Jane what does the pig give you?”

Jane: “Bacon!”

Teacher: “Great! Little Johnny, what does the fat cow give you?”

Little Johnny: “Homework!”

 
GOD'S PLAN FOR AGING

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky pinky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.