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Humor

 

 


M a y      2 0 1 9      H u m o r      P a g e

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.   
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"   
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."   
Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"   
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"   
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without  your hat than burn in hell?"   
Murphy slowly shook his head"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other is in Australia , and I’m in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.

“It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

 

Definition of OLD"

#1

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked; "Are you having it catered?"  
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

 

#2

 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 
"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me" 
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. 
She responded; "Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?"

 

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked “what do you think is the best thing 
about being 104”? 
She simply replied; "No peer pressure."

 

 #4
I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Can't remember if I'm 85, or 92. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

 #5
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

 #6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" 
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

 

 

A Cruise Ship Diary

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Ladies Bowling Club, 'The Late Bloomers' decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, so beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today, seems like a very nice man.

 

DEAR DIARY -  DAY 3

At the honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY  4

Won $500 in the ship's Casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got really sunburned, and I went inside for a drink at the piano-bar and to cool down; stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship! I was shocked. 

 

DEAR DIARY -  DAY 6

Today I saved two-thousand-six-hundred lives…Twice ... 

 

 

The 100 M.P.H. GOAT.

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.  They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is"?

The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”.

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the under-brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat"?

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole"!

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box".

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts”! Hilarious! 

The CIA had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the CIA I agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her.’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’

The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,’ he panted. ‘I had to do it the hard way.

 


"A wee bit of alleged Irish Humor to Improve Your day".

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there."

Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

**************

An Irishman's first drink with his son!

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

**************

 

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown

Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the

drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata

and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya

fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls

off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior

quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

***************

 

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

***************

 

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

***************

 

My Mother wanted me to be a priest.

Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people

come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing, Father?”ť

The father said, “Why, my son, it is a Chechia. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

”Oh, my son” exclaimed the father. “It is very simple. This is a Djbellah. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My Djbellah protects the entire body.”

The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

These are Babouches my son,” the father replied.

“You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These Babouches keep us from burning our feet.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son.”ť

“We’re living in Minnesota, so why are you still wearing all this shit?”



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans
with a box of frozen crabs and asked a long haired blonde flight attendant take care of them for him.  
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen if she let them thaw out. 
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand.”
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

        1.  Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
        2   Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.