This is what all 80+ year olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!!
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at
a central cafeteria.
One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my
wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was
She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running
late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time.
He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble
getting his legs to work right.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had
Women often receive warnings about
protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass
it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those
men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or
even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
A man comes into the ER and yells
. . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear.
I noticed that there were several cabs - - -and I was in the wrong
by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
breaths,’ I instructed.
they used to be,’ Replied the patient.
by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications.
one?’ I asked.
Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!'
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
the man had over fifty patches on his body!
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
a look of complete confusion she answered,
not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
by Dr. Steven Swanson,
very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste,' Bob replied.
then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY
by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered.
was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for immediate surgery.
she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . .' keep off the grass.'
the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
by RN no name,
cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing, further embarrassing me.
looked up from my work and sheepishly said…'I'm sorry. Was I
replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ...
No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar
wouldn’t submit his name....
woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination.
to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who
have an IQ of 150 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker
contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any,
and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with
a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the blonde waitress over ready to dazzle her with their
solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but
notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh, sorry
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Kind of reminds you of the past 30 years in Washington D C., doesn't it?
A Tender Story
says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't
want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either.
he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you
give ole George here your best last kiss?"
they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.
then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!
a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me.
the way, why are you committing suicide?"
parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...
old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Here's one for you all---There are many different dogs in this
My favorite is a Husky or an Alaskan Malamute. Thereafter, a German
Well, anyhow.....this lady had a Schnauzer...pronounced
Anyhow, they're a hairy dog. The mange is a skin disease and, it's
tough on Schnauzers.
Well, this lady owned one and, it got the mange.
One would have to shave the dog in areas and apply this ointment to
The vet gave her the prescription (as it can also be used on
humans) for the ointment.
She went to the Pharmacy and gave it to the clerk.
When he saw what it was, he immediately said---"If this is
used on your head, you cannot wear a hat for two weeks".
She said it wasn't for her head.
Then, he said..."if you're going to use it under your arms,
you cannot wear armpit shield for two weeks'.
It's for my Schnauzer". He immediately replied...Then you
cannot wear pantyhose for two weeks".
65 Years Ago For You History Buffs!
A little old lady from
canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,
she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
is not true but makes for good reading!!!