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H u m o r      P a g e      f o r      A p r I l      2 0 1 9

Getting Older

This is what all 80+ year olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!!

This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs.

He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time.

He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.

So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.



Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.   

Here's how the scam works;   Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

 

 

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one?’ I asked.

'The patch.'

'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered,

'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' so how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair

styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said…'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ...

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name....


And Finally...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


  

Recently there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco .

Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 150 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the blonde waitress over ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: " Oh, sorry about that."

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of the past 30 years in Washington C., doesn't it?

 

 

A Tender Story

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge .
So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either.

So he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that...and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.

He then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!

That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me.

By the way, why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...

 


An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" 
 Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 
 "Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder, if there are any more around here?" 
 Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!" 
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. 
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" 
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" 
Moral of this story... 
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience. 
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. 
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'. 
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

Here's one for you all---There are many different dogs in this world.

My favorite is a Husky or an Alaskan Malamute. Thereafter, a German shepherd.

Well, anyhow.....this lady had a Schnauzer...pronounced
Schnow ZER.

Anyhow, they're a hairy dog. The mange is a skin disease and, it's tough on Schnauzers.

Well, this lady owned one and, it got the mange.

One would have to shave the dog in areas and apply this ointment to the skin.

The vet gave her the prescription (as it can also be used on humans) for the ointment.

She went to the Pharmacy and gave it to the clerk.

When he saw what it was, he immediately said---"If this is used on your head, you cannot wear a hat for two weeks".

She said it wasn't for her head.

Then, he said..."if you're going to use it under your arms, you cannot wear armpit shield for two weeks'.
She replied..."It's not for my head or my armpits.

It's for my Schnauzer". He immediately replied...Then you cannot wear pantyhose for two weeks".

 

65 Years Ago For You History Buffs!

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. 
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with Carnation Milk is best of all”.   
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms.  I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. 
A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma’am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" 
He did, however, have one printed up that now hang on his office wall. 

This is not true but makes for good reading!!!