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Humor

 

 


H u m o r      P a g e      F o r      M a r c h      2 0 1 9

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and drinking a cold beer.

“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, “Guess who?”

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place, looked like something out of a movie.

Well, she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey or something. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, ‘Honey, you can do whatever you want.’

So, boys, here I am!”

 

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door…

A boy, about 8, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.

“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.

“No, he went with mom and dad,” the boy said.

The man stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says: “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The man said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said: “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

 


John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible   downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do." said Shawn.

 "Did you, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?"

"She  just died and left me everything."

 And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

 

Larry may become my new favorite.

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry, 'Giving up?'

 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I spend my  money.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass Larry on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass him on to your friends!

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, “The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!”

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked.

‘Not yet,’ she said. ‘I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.

‘When he Cries??’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK