college student wanted
to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’
I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.
teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure
to do everything in his power to fail the student.
oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student
had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still
fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other
cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’
I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more
important than money.’
would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.
teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the
student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper.
However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’
A man visits the local council for a job interview.
During his interview, the interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to
anything?” to which the man replies “Yes, caffeine. I can’t
“Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”The
interviewer replies “That will give you 5 extra points towards
After this, he asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
The applicant says “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both
of my testicles.”
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says “Sorry to
hear that… Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you
right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow
at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
The man says: “If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I’ll
come at a normal hour, I want to do my part.”
“You misunderstand.” Says the interviewer. “This is a
government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking
coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
front of you?” He asks shyly.
nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the naked human body before.
The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my naked
course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a
professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a
then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the
Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost
identical to an AAA battery.
to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came
then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling
very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she
composed herself as well as she could.
am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my
honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A blonde desperately wanted a
pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After
becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give
it a try?'
The blonde headed
off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day,
the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot
gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde
took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more
dead 'gators, all lying belly up.
watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then,
rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration
......"Son-of-a-gun!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
A male patient is
lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly
pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very
Are - my - test - results - back?"
George Phillips, an
elderly man from
Walled Lake, Michigan , was going up to bed, when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden
shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All
patrols are busy.
You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and
killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
Don't mess with old people.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew
he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires…
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've changed my
will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen
retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns
to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full
of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know. The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, ' Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?'
wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy,
'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
Morris, an 82 year-old
went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'