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Humor

 

 


H u m o r     P a g e     J a n u a r y     2 0 1 9

…thanks to Kathy Koziuk Hannaman for the following

 

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT’S TRUE! THE MAN'S A GENIUS!

  

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

 

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.

* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

 

 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

 

 

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic, our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

 

 

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ! Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

 

 

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and

You cannot post 'Thou Shall Not Lie'

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment.

 Also, think about this ....If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone

“YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM”!

 

TWO LITTLE OLD LADIES, Connie and Mildred, were sitting on a park
bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"
"You're on!" said Mildred, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked, as fast as an old lady could, through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened"? Asked Mildred.
"I just won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure..”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.

“No, I can remember it..”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that – write it down?” she asked.

Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?”

 

A senior couple decides to try Viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again.

“No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says,

“Would you mind letting ME up? I’m starving!”

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

“So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

 

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask – what did the chicken do?”