One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, who could sing famous Christmas
carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?"
The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match
directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match
under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells!
Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match
under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air
was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he
paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet
under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was
"How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had
shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!
" The man then moved the lighter
to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy
The wife, her face filled with
curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his
legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it," he answered,
eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's
Chet twisted his face, cleared his
throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the
performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open
the church gossip
and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her
nose into other people's business. Several church members did
not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain
their silence & distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank,(and
several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house, walked home.. and left it there all night.
Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He
is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates
in the world.
When the priest comes in, the Irishman
Father, forgive me, for it's been a
very long time since I've been to confession.
I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting
than it used to be.
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
A man and a woman were
sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman
sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for
ten to fifteen seconds.
man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently
that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I
couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’
am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘
man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never
heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything
woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’
the car for the long trip
back into the city, Tom and Bill said their final goodbyes to
their good friend, David.
for puttin’ us up for the weekend, pal,” said Tom. “The
food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really
enjoyed sleeping with your wife.”
after hitting the road, Bill turned to Tom and said, “I hope
you weren’t serious about enjoying sleeping with his wife!”
I wasn’t serious. It was lousy.”
was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall.
said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed I said, “I am doing
voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Just doing
the same as you, sitting here!”
the next stall came, “Can I come over?” Annoyed, I replied,
“Rather busy right now!”
the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back.
There’s an idiot in the next stall here answering all of my
woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My
God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover.
“And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she
replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun!
The rain is the least of your problems!”
the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring
rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of
the town’s annual marathon.
continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best
he could, which wasn’t very good at all.
a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying
him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
you always run in the nude?” one asked.
yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully
free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re
runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your
clothes under your arm?”
yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go
a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do
you always wear a condom when you run?”
when it’s raining.”
results of some very recent research from a renowned and illustrious educational institution have
conclusively and shockingly revealed that, contrary to all
expectations and hopes, there are 7 kinds of sex. Here are the
findings of this groundbreaking study:
1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex
kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.
2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex
is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex
is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex
means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at
night (very popular).
6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex
is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.
last, but not least:
7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!
Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making
it unreadable to the scanner.
her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out
for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize
that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store
misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you
want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in
with a hammer?”
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks
to varnish the wooden seat on our
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the
shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry
epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this
The Doctor replied, "Actually,
I've seen lots of them. I've just never seen one mounted and
day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo
trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as
soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him
and dragged him into his office.
zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular
attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that
attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job
to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one. The
next morning, before the crowd arrived, the mime put on the
gorilla suit and entered the cage. He discovered that it was a
great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of
people, and he drew bigger crowds than he ever had as a mime.
eventually the crowds tired of him and he became bored just
swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were
paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the
top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from
the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion
furious, but the crowd loved it.
the end of the day the zookeeper came and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
this went on for some time. The mime kept taunting the lion, the
crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one
terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he
slipped and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered
itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he
began to run round and round the cage with the lion close
the mime started screaming and yelling, “Help! Help meee!!!”,
but the lion was quick and pounced. The mime soon found himself
flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
lion slowly lowered his snarling mouth towards him and said:
“Shut UP you idiot! Do you want to get us BOTH fired?”
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat
rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have
great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old
stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye
She said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five
She said, "My goodness, five
loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be
The old man says to himself,
I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.