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Humor Page November 2018
When you're over seventy...  who cares?

 

 

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. 

This “FAT” ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in the pen before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but, 
When you’re over seventy...who cares?

 
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'..."
When you’re over seventy...who cares?

 
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy...who cares? 
 
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...who cares? 
 
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...who cares? 
 
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but.
When you’re over seventy...who cares?

 

SENIORS UNDERSTANDING DIRECTIONS

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

A n d    T h e n    M y    D o g    B I t    M e


I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink
when a large, trouble-making 

biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.

I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, enough about me, how are you doing?



A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about dinner right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine??”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”


A man visits a friend and in the driveway he sees friend’s car that’s all dented, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”

“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran into my ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.”

“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”

“Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

 

 

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.

His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody– it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.

“You went to the beach?”

“Absolutely.”

“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”

“Absolutely.”

“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”

“Absolutely.”

“And what were the first words you saw?”

“Chapter 11.”


A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

 Splash!

 

 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh, please excuse me!“ said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.“

“That’s perfectly all right,“ replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?“

“Well, I really don’t know,“ said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.“

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… you must be a bunny rabbit!“

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?“

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?“

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer!“

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”

 

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of  'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.

A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock – it’s 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. “Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.

She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.

Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

A voice answers, “Yes, please.”

“Where are you?” calls the man.

“I’m over here…” replies the stranger, “…on your swing set.”

 

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

“You’ve got to help me. I’m losing my memory, Doctor,” he sobbed.

“I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business – I couldn’t remember my clients’ names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn’t they – some nights I wouldn’t get home until four or five in the morning. I’d forget where I lived… And it’s getting worse. Doctor, it’s getting worse!”

“This is not an unusual form of neurosis,” the psychiatrist said soothingly. “Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?”

“Condition?” The man sat up in his chair. “What condition?”

 


A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Finally, he gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through, crying as he went on.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, one said to the other: “Look, that’s the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!”

 


A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office
and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day
you spent with your family.”  
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” 
“I seem to recall that,” Mother Superior agreed “so I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I used profane language today.” 
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped Mother Superior “you must tell me all about it!” 
“Well, we were on the 5th tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!” 
“Oh my” commiserated Mother Superior. “How unfortunate. But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister.”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway.” 
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme” sympathized Mother Superior. 
But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister “and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws.” 
“So that’s when you cursed,” said Mother Superior with a knowing smile. 
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green.... and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup.” 
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said....   
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

 

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.

He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam.

So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.

All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.

Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.

The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a naked lady, I’d turn to stone.”

“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”