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S e p t e m b e r      2 0 1 8      H u m o r      P a g e

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
   Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
  ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’  

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’  

‘Mick phoned...You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Michael raised his hand and replied: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher said: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.  Anybody else?”

Charles replied: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better, but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal is unpleasant.”

Then Little Johnny chimed in: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".


 A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece ; but the custody of their children posed a problem. 

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH he won!!!


Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.

“Don`t Panic,” cried Harold heroically. “I`ll land this baby!”

Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport , and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground.

Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, “Red lights!! Right in front of you!”

Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.

“Brother!” he puffed, wiping his brow. “That sure was a short runway!”

“Yeah,” agreed Al, looking side to side, “but look how WIDE it is.”


A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.  She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.

She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on spot.
Confused about what happened, the stylist put on the headphones and she heard the recording say “breath in, breath out.”

 
A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”

  T  h  e       S  p  o  o  n

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very impressive! 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.   It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
   Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 
‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. 
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. 
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 
‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.  'Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.   By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. 
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet”, said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and then we can visit for a while.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “may we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later the guests asked again, “may we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”


 GOD said:  “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”

“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”

“Go down into the valley.”

“What’s a valley?” asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”

“What’s a river?”

God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”

“What’s a hill?”

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”

“What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said: “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam asked, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.”

“How do I do that?”

“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then “sighed” and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.

Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.

A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord……what’s a headache?”

 

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, “What’s that hanging down from that elephant?

“His mom said, “That’s the elephant’s trunk.”

Timmy said, “No, not that. Back underneath the elephant.”

His mom, embarrassed, said. “That’s nothing.”

Timmy isn’t satisfied with her response.

He turns to his father, “Dad, what’s that hanging down underneath that elephant?”

Dad says, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Mom said it was nothing.”

“I know, son. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”


 

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”




When a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said, “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”