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Humor

 

 


  H u m o r      F o r       A u g u s t       2 0 1 8

A wild-eyed, woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out…I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven-round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?

A female voice from the back of the room called out, "You Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton."

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can’t wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor.

A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands “Fetch!”Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.

Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time?
Oy vey… And you think it’s easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it… it’s too salty and it gives me gas. It’s disgusting I tell you!”

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”

“I know, I know,” says the dog owner.

“He’s not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch.”



A blonde and a redhead are watching the late news.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is on the ledge of a 40-story building, will jump.

“I’ll take that bet,” the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building.
The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such a tragic incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she doesn’t need to pay the $50.

“No, a bet’s a bet,” the blonde replies. “I owe you $50.” The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies, “No, you don’t understand. I saw the six o’clock news, so I knew how it was going to turn out.”
“That’s OK,” the blonde replies. “I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”

 


A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard is he here?"

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,

mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one ,or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad

about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.

I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

 


A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

 

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a Salem bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words”,  she said breathlessly.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

 

 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

***The moral of the story? When you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

 

 

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”


She may have been born a blonde, but she’ll do anything to avoid being prejudged by the world…

A blonde walks into an appliance store and sees a TV she would like to buy.

She goes to the register and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“

The man says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.“

The blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown.

She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“

The man gives her a look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.“

So she walks out and dyes her hair black.

She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“

The man gives her another look of pity and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you three times, we don’t sell to blondes.“

The blonde walks out and dyes her hair red.

She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“

The man gives her a very tired look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you. We don’t sell to blondes.“

She asks, “How have you known that I’m a blonde this whole time?“

The man replies, “because Ma’am…. that’s a microwave.“

 

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.

He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager.

“Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

 

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I called your wife and spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison!”

 


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the backs that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into! the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."


John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greeted them and said, “Hey, John! How ya doin?”

Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he’d been to this club before.

“Oh no,” said John. “He’s one of the security guys I meet on my business trips.”

When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he’d like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.

His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”

A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

John’s wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.

John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turned around and said, “Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time.”