An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired English professor with emphasis on the classics, was an unapologetic romantic. Her husband, a retired Salty Navy Chief Petty Officer of 30 years service, was a no nonsense guy.
One afternoon, the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee. While waiting for the friend to arrive, she practiced her new skill by sending her husband a very romantic text message.
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I Love You!!!”
The husband responded, “I’m taking a shit. Please advise”.
Almost brings a
tear to my eyes.
One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.
The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”
She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
“My farts never smell, and are always silent.
“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.
“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”
The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Later that day
the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months
later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just
got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
One day, a woman named Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away. So, she went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied: It
was a heart attack, he got it while we were making love on Saturday
Oh no, my dear, replied
her grandmother. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring.
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued:
And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Little Johnny was talking to his teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
Little Johnny insisted that it was possible because after all Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not possibly swallow a human, its throat was just too small.
Little Johnny said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
Little Johnny replied, “Then you can ask him.”
“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”
A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”
The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”
The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”
By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”
The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”