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Humor

 

 


J u l y      2 0 1 8      Humor     Page


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired English professor with emphasis on the classics, was an unapologetic romantic. Her husband, a retired Salty Navy Chief Petty Officer of 30 years service, was a no nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee. While waiting for the friend to arrive, she practiced her new skill by sending her husband a very romantic text message.

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I Love You!!!”

The husband responded, “I’m taking a shit. Please advise”.

Almost brings a tear to my eyes.

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

“My farts never smell, and are always silent.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”


“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.

“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
“Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.
“Not so fast, McGrath!”

A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said, “Now who can help me solve this mystery. As you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the kids chorused.

“So why is it,” asked the teacher, “that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?”

The kids were silent for a moment, then from the back Little Johnny called out, “I know, because your feet aren’t empty!”

 

One day, a woman named Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away. So, she went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied: It was a heart attack, he got it while we were making love on Saturday afternoon.
Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions.

Oh no, my dear,  replied her grandmother. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous.
Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
ť

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued:

And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!

 

A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.

In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.

Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.

The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.

He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.

The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”

 

Little Johnny was talking to his teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

Little Johnny insisted that it was possible because after all Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not possibly swallow a human, its throat was just too small.

Little Johnny said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

Little Johnny replied, “Then you can ask him.”


One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”