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Humor

 

 





J  u  n  e    2 0 1 8    H  u  m  o  r     P  a  g  e

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal advertisement. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,  "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant.
“Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What features does it have?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”


A circus owner runs an ad for 'lion tamer wanted'
and two people showed up.  One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."


A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she said: “You.”


A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
expression, "I presume.....". One little girl held up her hand and said:
"Yesterday, my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed
that the dishwasher was broken." "Very good," said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of
the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start." "That's excellent,"
says the teacher.
Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says:
"Yesterday, I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm
and head for the bush. I presume that....... The teacher
interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what
your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.
Johnny says, "Please, Teacher, let me finish my sentence." The teacher
says, "Very well. Continue." "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading
for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to
take a shit because he can't read."
The Teacher is still undergoing counseling.


The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.

She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.

She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'  

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?  

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'  

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'  

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'  

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'  

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'  

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'  

A: 'Yes, sir.'  

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'  

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.


This woman went through a bad break up. She grieved over her lost relationship, but eventually got better and decided it was time to have some fun again. She went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is. Why don't you come home with me and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."


A very successful businessman had  a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I  welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we  care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you  have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a  moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work  in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”