After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the
redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the
race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser,
but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window I
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a
piece of tail!
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make
up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.
First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this
new bull any of my 100 cows.”
Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my
right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys
have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but
I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the
biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes
strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new
Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I
can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt,
shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish – let him have some of
your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making
sure he knows I’m a BULL.”
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a
mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.
He saw me and said: ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’
Then we made love all night long.”
The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild
sex all night!”
The married woman said: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s
house for the night when my husband came home.
I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a
mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: ‘What’s for
"I miss Chicago."
So someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four of
the tires, added an Obama Bumper Sticker, and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps!!!"
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he
is allowed in.
The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of woman's underwear. Confused at
this last gesture, St Peter asks, "How do these represent
The man answers, "They're Carol's."
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings
from the Louvre.
careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks
away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind
such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
had no Monet
make the Van Gogh.'
if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....
you send it on, you have nothing Toulouse.
you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
really,” says Mary.
how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly
about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
what WOULD you like?” John asks.
I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”