THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER
Q . Paul,
what is a good reason for pounding meat?
audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of
Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it
Q. True or
False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
Marie: No! Wait until morning.
Q. Which of
your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are
'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you
grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while
Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.
why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
bowling, what's a perfect score?
Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a
tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys
join the Camp Fire Girls?
Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you
pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you
were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of
kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.
to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
“Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one
lifeline left — phone a friend.”
next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, if
you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to
$32,000. Are you ready?”
“Sure, I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”
think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue.
I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”
“Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”
“I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”
(a blonde): “Hello…”
“Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I
have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs
your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be
Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible
answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply —
fire away Barbara.”
“Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?
“Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”
“Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)
“Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million,
“I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”
“Is that your final answer?”
Barbara: “It is.”
Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”
Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said
c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a
real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”
That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a
local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their
champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How
in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not
build its own nest?”
Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and
squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like
and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they
lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He
immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was
indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary
of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine
restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed
said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd
like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So,
before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd
better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being
totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last
five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Texans were out on the range talking about their cavorted sex positions.
don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other
cowboy. "What is it?
it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear........