M   a   r   c   h        2   0   1   8        H   u   m   o   r        P   a   g   e



These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!


Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?  

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!  

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)  

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.  


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be  

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it  


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...  

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.  

 You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?  

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.  


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you   think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No! Wait until morning.  


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?  

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..  


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?  

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.  


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?  

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.  


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?  

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.  


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.  


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?  

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.  


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?  

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.  


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?  

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.  


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?  

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?  


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?  

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..  


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?  

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.  


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?  

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.  


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?  

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?  


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions What are they?  

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.  


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?  
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A man wanted to become a monk
so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed.
After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
– “Bed hard!”. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.“Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised – you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars, if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A – Robin
B – Sparrow
C – Cuckoo
D – Thrush

Remember Barbara – its worth $1 million dollars.”

“I think I know who it… I’m not 100%… no, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.”

Regis: “Yes. Who, Barbara, do you want to phone?”

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”


Maggie (a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to get to a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and only 1 correct answer. You have 30 seconds to reply — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it:
A- Robin
B- Sparrow
C- Cuckoo
D- Thrush

Maggie: “Oh gees, Barbara that’s simple…It’s a cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: “Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with c-cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”
Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said c-cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara!”

That night Barbara called round to Maggie and brought her down to a local bar for a celebratory drink and, as they were sipping their champagne, Barbara turned to Maggie and asked: “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!”

In light of the rising frequency of human
– grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper

 Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

A woman goes into a fishing store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is an associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their cavorted sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the "Rodeo" position the best."

I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?

Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear........
"These feel just like your sister's"
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.