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J   a   n   u   a   r   y     2   0   1   8      H  u  m  o  r

 

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted: “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “what would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”


A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”

“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband. “Take care of these things yourself!”

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”

He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.

“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”

“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”


Thanks to Jim Gorman class of 1966  for the following

Best friends graduated  from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it. 
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read: Catatonics and High Colonics - no go!
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives 
- thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.

Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.

Loons and Moons -  forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved  it.

 

Thanks to Roe Marchese Genovese class of 1961
THE CREMATED HUSBAND

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. 
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. 
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... 
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" 
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" 
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? 
I bought it too, with the insurance money!" 
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, 
she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" 

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.

She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”

The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”

The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”

The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”


Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.  As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name. and In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted into applause!

 A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

“Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”