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Humor

 

 


D  e  c  e  m  b  e  r     2  0  1  7
H  u  m  o  r      P  a  g  e


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents’ room.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”

His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh, well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.” And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”

His mom says, “Why?!?”

The boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”

A woman rushes into the foyer
of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

"Yes," says the receptionist irritably.

"Excuse me," says the woman, "but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out very quickly, please?"
The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles, "not bad at all."

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman.


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, went to a relations therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have intercourse?”

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….

“Medicare pays $43 of it!”

 

 

 

A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in rear of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum.”


Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”

“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”



A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration. 
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother.  We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 560 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior.  “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!”, sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister.  “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...“You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!


Three drunken guys entered a taxi
after a heavy night of drinking.

Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.

He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination”.

“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money.

The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.

The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.

“What was that for?” Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.

“Next time don’t go so fast! You nearly killed us!”


A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, ’What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!

I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’