one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear
you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re
bouncing up and down on him.”
mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh, well I’m bouncing on his
stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.” And the
boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”
mom says, “Why?!?”
The boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!”
says the receptionist irritably.
me," says the woman, "but I'm in a frightful hurry, could
you check me out very quickly, please?"
there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my
minutes later a phone rang.
Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he
explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my
Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he
decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of
the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet
paper hanging from his behind.
others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,”
pointed the amused American.
will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the
seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it
your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name
in vain today!”
Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me
all about it!”
we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother —
560 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ...and I
hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And
it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and
it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But
surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud
of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and
the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out
of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across
her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...“You
missed the fucking putt, didn't you!
Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly
thought up a plan to get rid of them.
He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have
reached your destination”.
“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him
The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.
The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.
“What was that for?” Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he
“Next time don’t go so fast!
You nearly killed us!”
fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to the
brim with $10 bills.
guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
approaches the bartender and asks, ’What’s with the money in the
you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the
keys to a brand new Lexus.’
man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.
he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’
must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.
after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
the bartender says, here’s what you need to do:
– You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less,
and you can’t make a face while doing it.
– There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
– There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You
have to take care of that problem!’
man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!
won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila,
and then do all those other things’
call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it
time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
‘Where’s the damn tequila?’
grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it
in fifty-eight seconds!
he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a
pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting,
and screaming sounds.
nothing but silence!
when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and
blood all over his body.
says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’