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Humor Page for March 2016

Thanks to Barbara DiBella class of 1962 for the following…

Now that I'm older here's what I've  discovered:

1.    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.

2.    My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3.    I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.    Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.    If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7.    It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8.    Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9.    I wish the buck really did stop here . I sure could use a few of them.

10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16.  It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20.  HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU  BEFORE?

 

21. Did Carolina really beat up on Arizona yesterday?  Why can't I remember?

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 #1               

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"    

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!


#2

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98," she replied: "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


#3

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.   She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


#4

I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth   I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

#5

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

#6

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"


#7

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

#8

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

 

#10

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

 

#11

THE SENILITY PRAYER :  Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”


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A blonde was taking a walk in the country. Suddenly, she noticed something that intrigued her. In the middle of the field, chewing grass lazily, there was a cow with no horns.
As she kept walking, she noticed a farmer tending to the rest of the herd. She asked him: "Excuse me, can you tell me why that cow doesn't have any horns?"
“Well miss," the farmer started, "cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw."
Horrified, the blonde exclaimed, "A hacksaw? But that's just inhumane."
The farmer continued, "You can also treat young calves with special chemicals so their horns never grow."
Still shocked, the blonde gasped "Well, that's not much better either. So can you tell me how that poor cow lost its horns?" She pointed to the cow she saw first.
The farmer looked to where she pointed, smiled and said, “Well miss, that cow doesn’t have any horns because it's a horse!”

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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak, "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
"No, the jerk was talking about who’ll cover his paper route,"  his wife complained
.

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